What is Family?

What is Family?

In twenty plus years in childcare and one hundred-twenty plus children who have been placed in my care, I have once again posed myself a question. It is one I have posed to myself in the past, but it was either an immediate situation or one which I did not consider to the fullest content of the question. Often questions fit the situation at hand and thus the answer is incorrect or incomplete. The question is simply, WHAT IS FAMILY?

As I begin to think, realizing the weight that rest in this situation, I first look at the definition of family. Webster reads this way: a family >noun (pl. families) one a group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit. 2 a group of people related by blood or marriage. 3 the children of a person or couple. 4 all the descendants of a common ancestor. 5 all the languages derived from a particular early language. 6 a group united by a significant shared characteristic. 7 Biology a principal taxonomic category ranking above genus and below order. We see that by definition that it is a fairly straight up answer, it is also that there are many that see this a very incomplete answer, to us there are so many variables.

As my wife and I entered into childcare we had decided that any child that entered into our home was a part of a family, no matter how mixed it was. For us it was no difficult thing to love each child even though we were often faced with difficult situations. Then you face the thought, how long will they be family? Simple answer, most do not stay more than a year or two and someone removes them from the home and they are completely separated from you or you just simply lose touch. Then there are those who stay awhile and you become attached, but, there is other family involved who will fill that void and give a place that they feel welcome and they will find a new life. This is not to say that they will not have fond memories of their time in your care. Many still have very close feelings for you and wish to stay connected in some manner. I have many children who in fact, do just that. Then there are those few who find that there are no avenues to pursue, most have been with you for many years and you have become their family. It is now the time comes when the commitment that was made so many years ago has now found itself in unsure territory.

So now, what makes it family? I suppose, in a word one could say the answer is simply love, and yet there are many things to consider that the word love, will and does involve, in blood family. These things that define love within blood family must also apply to that added family, adopted or accepted. Another question, what does that mean? We do things as blood family that we often never recognize doing, I suppose this is a part of where the phrase "love is blind" comes from. If we are family, we accept shortcomings, we help them find the way. We do not consider their wealth, their mistakes, their dramas, we give them consideration, help, encouragement and most of all our love. Well now we have an understanding, not likely.

I have begun to find that the change of a commitment to a child in childcare is one that one would make for the time they are in care. It is however that one remaining in care for a great length time, graduates and is moving on, without blood family for a support system is in great need. This looks to be of even greater importance if the house-parents that they have had, have remained the same over that period of time and have been considered family. This seems to in part, "the (6 th) part of the definition of family "a group united by a significant shared characteristic". Although this is seen as a scientific definition, being a way to identify a particular species in the animal or plant kingdom, it fits this situation. The son that I have by love, even though he has no blood characteristics that place him in family has developed bonds just as we have and environmental characteristics that connect him as family. With all these things that we have, each of us as a family must decide that we are willing to participate in this in this procedure as a family. Now that we have said this, in my situation there are five siblings to this son of love, in each case there is a variance of this situation. One of the things I have realized with our involvement is that the commitment to family, in this case, is that the commitment is to a family of six children. The acceptance these individuals decide to give is up to each. The difficulty in our acceptance of each of them is how do we continue with endurance. The son of love is the same age of my blood son and his youngest sibling is twenty years younger, all of them have difficulties in their life and all of them need help. In some cases I can help and in some cases it is beyond my ability. It is the same answer in each case and is the same as in blood family, as long as the ability is there, you help, and when all one has left is encouragement and love, that is what you give.

As I say all these things, I don’t believe I can ever give a full answer nor fully express my thoughts. There is however another factor, the factor of personality and each ones ability to convey their feelings. Some of these things are, what do I feel, what do I experience, and what has happened in the past. Other things are, do I openly express my emotions, am I stoic, or might be one who is emotional and keeps a stoic cover so as not to expose myself. These thoughts do not by any means cover the total of personalities but you get the thought. In a family there are innumerable personalities and factors to consider, all of which take time and discovery, it’s what makes a family in part. We are all a part of each other, we want our distance, we want our togetherness, we want the support of the other part, yet, we want our independence. As a family there has to be unconditional love, it’s not about keeping score, it is not about status, it’s not about race, and it is not about what one’s monetary holdings nor is it about competing for a place. I love my blood children, each of them in a different way, I love this family of children that have come into my life as much as my blood, but many times in different ways.

In our case there is a great deal of rarity, we have extenuating circumstances, however it does not change the idea of what a family is. In all these cases there are difficulties in becoming a family and having the surety that is always there. Previous life experiences have so much an effect on what I see, what I hear, what I perceive, each party must be diligent in seeking the family.

I am at fifty - five right now and have twenty years if given by God and there are many things that will happen in our life and the lives of the seven siblings and things will occur to them, to me, or to mine and we will work through it with God’s help. This is family.

I have let this piece set for three months thinking it could change, thinking I might be able to offer some greater wisdom on this subject. My words still seem to come up short and just too simple to express what I see, what I feel or how it should be communicated. Each day still brings new things. I have a three-year-old grandson by a son who is not blood. Two of this son’s siblings are accepting in this family situation. My first granddaughter has been born, my blood son has finished college and is looking to increase our family with a daughter-in-law. Just when you think you might have some of it figured out things change. That’s family, every changing and unpredictable but full of love. Two thoughts in parting, the first I found on a plaque, it said "family is where there’s love" there other was something I have told all my children over the years, real love is an inexhaustible commodity. It is about caring and not backing down, if your one that has the chance to build a family, there is no formula, just love. We only live once and we only live so long, do it as right as you can. I have found that God is the only answer and. His love is the only way, if we are to build true families it is through hard work and this constant love. Seek it, live it and let God be the guide.



MERLE ROEHR