What is Family?

What is Family?

In twenty plus years in childcare and one hundred-twenty plus children who have been placed in my care, I have once again posed myself a question. It is one I have posed to myself in the past, but it was either an immediate situation or one which I did not consider to the fullest content of the question. Often questions fit the situation at hand and thus the answer is incorrect or incomplete. The question is simply, WHAT IS FAMILY?

As I begin to think, realizing the weight that rest in this situation, I first look at the definition of family. Webster reads this way: a family >noun (pl. families) one a group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit. 2 a group of people related by blood or marriage. 3 the children of a person or couple. 4 all the descendants of a common ancestor. 5 all the languages derived from a particular early language. 6 a group united by a significant shared characteristic. 7 Biology a principal taxonomic category ranking above genus and below order. We see that by definition that it is a fairly straight up answer, it is also that there are many that see this a very incomplete answer, to us there are so many variables.

As my wife and I entered into childcare we had decided that any child that entered into our home was a part of a family, no matter how mixed it was. For us it was no difficult thing to love each child even though we were often faced with difficult situations. Then you face the thought, how long will they be family? Simple answer, most do not stay more than a year or two and someone removes them from the home and they are completely separated from you or you just simply lose touch. Then there are those who stay awhile and you become attached, but, there is other family involved who will fill that void and give a place that they feel welcome and they will find a new life. This is not to say that they will not have fond memories of their time in your care. Many still have very close feelings for you and wish to stay connected in some manner. I have many children who in fact, do just that. Then there are those few who find that there are no avenues to pursue, most have been with you for many years and you have become their family. It is now the time comes when the commitment that was made so many years ago has now found itself in unsure territory.

So now, what makes it family? I suppose, in a word one could say the answer is simply love, and yet there are many things to consider that the word love, will and does involve, in blood family. These things that define love within blood family must also apply to that added family, adopted or accepted. Another question, what does that mean? We do things as blood family that we often never recognize doing, I suppose this is a part of where the phrase "love is blind" comes from. If we are family, we accept shortcomings, we help them find the way. We do not consider their wealth, their mistakes, their dramas, we give them consideration, help, encouragement and most of all our love. Well now we have an understanding, not likely.

I have begun to find that the change of a commitment to a child in childcare is one that one would make for the time they are in care. It is however that one remaining in care for a great length time, graduates and is moving on, without blood family for a support system is in great need. This looks to be of even greater importance if the house-parents that they have had, have remained the same over that period of time and have been considered family. This seems to in part, "the (6 th) part of the definition of family "a group united by a significant shared characteristic". Although this is seen as a scientific definition, being a way to identify a particular species in the animal or plant kingdom, it fits this situation. The son that I have by love, even though he has no blood characteristics that place him in family has developed bonds just as we have and environmental characteristics that connect him as family. With all these things that we have, each of us as a family must decide that we are willing to participate in this in this procedure as a family. Now that we have said this, in my situation there are five siblings to this son of love, in each case there is a variance of this situation. One of the things I have realized with our involvement is that the commitment to family, in this case, is that the commitment is to a family of six children. The acceptance these individuals decide to give is up to each. The difficulty in our acceptance of each of them is how do we continue with endurance. The son of love is the same age of my blood son and his youngest sibling is twenty years younger, all of them have difficulties in their life and all of them need help. In some cases I can help and in some cases it is beyond my ability. It is the same answer in each case and is the same as in blood family, as long as the ability is there, you help, and when all one has left is encouragement and love, that is what you give.

As I say all these things, I don’t believe I can ever give a full answer nor fully express my thoughts. There is however another factor, the factor of personality and each ones ability to convey their feelings. Some of these things are, what do I feel, what do I experience, and what has happened in the past. Other things are, do I openly express my emotions, am I stoic, or might be one who is emotional and keeps a stoic cover so as not to expose myself. These thoughts do not by any means cover the total of personalities but you get the thought. In a family there are innumerable personalities and factors to consider, all of which take time and discovery, it’s what makes a family in part. We are all a part of each other, we want our distance, we want our togetherness, we want the support of the other part, yet, we want our independence. As a family there has to be unconditional love, it’s not about keeping score, it is not about status, it’s not about race, and it is not about what one’s monetary holdings nor is it about competing for a place. I love my blood children, each of them in a different way, I love this family of children that have come into my life as much as my blood, but many times in different ways.

In our case there is a great deal of rarity, we have extenuating circumstances, however it does not change the idea of what a family is. In all these cases there are difficulties in becoming a family and having the surety that is always there. Previous life experiences have so much an effect on what I see, what I hear, what I perceive, each party must be diligent in seeking the family.

I am at fifty - five right now and have twenty years if given by God and there are many things that will happen in our life and the lives of the seven siblings and things will occur to them, to me, or to mine and we will work through it with God’s help. This is family.

I have let this piece set for three months thinking it could change, thinking I might be able to offer some greater wisdom on this subject. My words still seem to come up short and just too simple to express what I see, what I feel or how it should be communicated. Each day still brings new things. I have a three-year-old grandson by a son who is not blood. Two of this son’s siblings are accepting in this family situation. My first granddaughter has been born, my blood son has finished college and is looking to increase our family with a daughter-in-law. Just when you think you might have some of it figured out things change. That’s family, every changing and unpredictable but full of love. Two thoughts in parting, the first I found on a plaque, it said "family is where there’s love" there other was something I have told all my children over the years, real love is an inexhaustible commodity. It is about caring and not backing down, if your one that has the chance to build a family, there is no formula, just love. We only live once and we only live so long, do it as right as you can. I have found that God is the only answer and. His love is the only way, if we are to build true families it is through hard work and this constant love. Seek it, live it and let God be the guide.



MERLE ROEHR

Commitment in Parenting

I have a friend who is a much better writer than I, She recently posted or wrote a short piece called "Intrusive Supervision". I believe that her work and what she places on her blog is worthwhile reading, her name is Beth Robinson and her blog is kidscallmedoc if you have the opertunity it is all good stuff for the parent. This particular piece is about making sure your child is alright in whatever situation your child is in.
It is with current experiences that I have begun thinking about what it means to truely be a parent, something that has been on my mind in some manner for the past 20 years as a house-parent for a facility. It is along with a thought that I heard a couple of years ago when listening to an expert on youth culture. This gentelman used an expression in his session "systemic abandonment" . We could begin to give this thought many definitions but his thought was that most children at about the age of 8-10 the parents start letting them find themselves and do what they want to do, in short. It all comes about as a lack of time or maybe from the fact that the family needs two jobs to support the home. I am not saying that every household that has a two income home is neglecting their children, just offering observation from my point.
Now back to this idea of true parenting and intrusive supervision. It is necessary or should be for every parent that we care enough about our children to go the extra mile to protect them. I have begun to see so many parents that have children and everything is still about them. They are still the child they have still not really found themselves, they still have need for someone to care for them or to give them praise for everything they do. Thus, they themselves fail to see the need of the child they have in their care, because everything is focused on themselves. Parenting is about giving up one's self, I may still have my hobbies and those things I enjoy doing, but it is not my main aim. As a parent I must know where my child is and are they safe, that means that it takes some time out of my day. If I have a child that is having difficulty and soils his pants on a regular basis (7 years old), let's say daily, I must look into what is going on. At 54 it is difficult to communicate with a 7 year old, especially one who lacks those skills. I must find out what is really happening. I am told it is everyday and sometimes more often. I will not go into what I was told the discipleing was, but let's say some was with a great deal of screeming, it's difficult to communicate that way. When I approched the boy with the problem it took me several days to realize what was happening. He did have some problem in that area but it was seldom, what he did have difficulty with was cleaning his bottom so his underware was soiled. However the lack of communication had caused the problem to become worse and fearful, which closed the communcation. As adults and especially immature adults we tend to want things to happen now, for the most part with children it takes time and retraining. I learned that if you want to train anything it takes time and it first takes trust, that does not happen with screeming and beating. As I said I work in childcare and so many children are out there who lack something. It may be that a child is doing something that is socially unacceptable, morally wrong, or maybe unethical, I must understand that to them they are doing what is right or the normal. Case and point, There was a young lady who had been raped a great many years as a child, when she was an older teen she had very open sex, after she married and had children her daughter was sexually assulted by her father, when things finally came out she did not know it was wrong, she had been taught by her father that this was right. We in general know that these things are socially, morallyor ethicly wrong but to the child that has been tought they are all right, they see them as right. Working with children as parents is in my thought, "Intrusive Supervision". It is a parent's responcability to help their child grow, to care for, to nurture and to bloom. It takes trust, it takes time, it takes effort, it takes patience and it takes selflessness. We are not raising cattle, sheep, or horses, all of which I care for at most cost, these are lives that came to us a parents, they are our legacy. God through the Psalms says Blessed is the man who quiver is full. He gave them to us and we are Blessed. I does not matter if they are blood, foster or in a facility setting, I have had over 125 children in my care over the past 20 years, it has been difficult, there have been times I wanted to give up, there have been times I have been selfish, but I have always been blessed. May God help each parent to be willing to go beyond having children and be selfless.

Memories

I viewed a picture on facebook today, it's nothing more than a large red bluff with a dry riverbed lying in the foreground. It is however a trigger for the memories of things that live so vividly behind me, and yet, they are not behind. Sometimes a memory is so strong that it is ever present in one's mind. I can see that memory in such a way as to believe I am still living it. It is that memories have a way of doing that to each of us in some manner. It's not just about good memories,bad memories can also exist in the same manner. It is a must for some to live through those bad memories so that they might conquer them, move them out of the way and move on with life. There are times that good memories will destroy the willingness to move on with life in that we wish so much to live those memories and dwell on the past that we truely fail to see any future. It is necesary to defeat the control that a memory has on a person,they should be controled by us. There seems to be a fine line between help and hinderence in a memory in that a bad memory may have to be relived and that a good memory has the possibility to destroy future. Never the less it is so important to build memories in our lives and the children that participate in our lives. It is with greater importantance they be good memories, ones that can be looked back on with happiness and enjoyment. In childcare, I have so often seen children who have no good memories and bad memories have so controled their lives that they can find no hope. I am without the education that enables me to give any stats, but I know that it takes many good memories to offset those memories that are bad. It is a tremendous undertaking to begin that job in life, although necessary in helping those who you oversee to deal with that which is bad and replace that with good. It is often a simple thing that ocures and that comes from the heart that builds the greatest memory in our life or in a childs life. However, it comes with a great amount of work and sacrifice of time. We have found in the past years that there are unusual things that spur good memories. I have a child, now two of them who love cranbery sauce. We began to look for a way to exhibit that one food item and found a very plain crystal dish. Those two children know that dish is about cranberry sause and a good time, meaning that from that dish they can get as much cranberry sauce as they wish. It is not necessary for me to understand why this builds such a great memory, just that it does. I have had evening campfires with the boys, I have built fence and dug post holes with groups of children. When they talk of these things there are big smiles that come upon their faces, it is good to once again remember those times of enjoyment. I have even had those who have earned some of those post holes because of bad behavior. It is however that they remember me being there helping them when they became tired. I never finish the job they had set before them, just helped accomplish reaching the goal in front of them. I was suprised that they had not remembered the discipline but the time I spent with them. I am a little older now and must find new ways to accomplish some of the things. I have a 6 year old that has been with me for a couple of years, he wants to be a cowboy. I found him a hat and so it has begun, he has ask if I'll teach him how to rope. I picked up a dummy steer head at Gebos the other dayhere in about a week I'll get him down to the barn and mount that head on a bale of hay and see where it takes us. To use a line, the steer head was twenty dollars, the time is unpayable, but the memory will be priceless. As you read this thought,think about the memory you can build in a child's life this coming year. It is usually not about the money you spend but the time you spend. It is simple, it is necessary, it just takes your time and effort. The dividens are great, build a memory.

The Mistress

There is often a man within that wishes to escape. It is not that he does not desire or love the woman he has choosen to be by his side for life. there is something that overwhelmes him to search for a fulfilllment that has left him longing for that love which others cannot see. I have that longing, and have had for most of my life. It is difficult if not impossible to resist it is burned deep within my mind and heart. She has beauty that no woman seems to be able to overcome. She is my Mistress, she is known to my love, although without full understanding, she has fully accepted her presence.

The Mistress

There’s a lady, No let us say,

a woman a mature woman.

One that within her buxom,

has an eternal grasp on a man.


She entices with one whisper,

enough to say a million words.

She draws with one scent,

what all the perfume of the world cannot do.


She will lure him unto darkness,

with all her mysteries.

She will consume him with a heat,

that has conquered so many of her past.


She holds no regard

for the woman he will find in life.

She holds no sympathy,

for her empty or lonely heart.


She is a fearful mistress,

bringing a man to the edge of destruction.

Only to let him live and long,

for the day he might return.


Other women see her cruelty,

in her seeking for the love he has.

He only sees the lustful beauty

that draws him there.


There is no conquering this mistress,

for a woman has nothing with which to fight.

For whatever beauty a woman has,

is pale in comparison to those she possesses.


It is a wild lustful nature, he desires,

it calls him toward that which he views.

The site of skies, expanses of land,

mountain tops, that wish to take his hand.




The West, is a freedom that calls ,

in a whispering breeze

As dusk is overtaken by darkness,

he is overtaken by all he sees.


There’s a lady, No let us say,

a woman a mature woman.

One that within her buxom,

has an eternal grasp on a man.

© 2011 Merle Roehr

Living Through The Hurt

     I have but one thought as I think of the pain "If you still feel the pain, then you're still alive. A few weeks ago I lost a couple of boys that were in my care as a houseparent in the facility that I work for.  When I say that I lost them, it was that they were moved into others care because of their behavior. It is not that I have lost touch with them nor even that they wanted to be removed from my care, it was because of a dumb mistake on their part. I have in the passed had children moved from my care and even some of the feelings that I had hurt me emotionally. This pain was different than any that I have ever had, I felt as though I had failed in teaching them something or had guided them in a direction that they should never have gone. It is a difficult thing for a man to face failure, it is a more difficult thing for a man to honestly look at the situation and decide if it really was failure. It has taken me weeks to reflect and decide just what it was that happened, and as it is, there are so many deciding factors and people in these young men's lives that it is next to impossible to get a handle on the whole. I have also faced the feeling of betrayal, in that these young men made the decision and the plans to accomplish this feat, it was as if they had decided that there was no need for help and the man in their life was incapable to give them the help they needed. Today I was thinking, how many fathers of children who are biological have or are facing this exact situation. It is when you believe you are the only one facing difficulties, that if you look around, one is never by themselves. I had forgot something that I did with mo own biological son that one should do with every child they have, raise or that they are given responsibility of, "pray for them." Pray for them as early as you know your are going to have them, when they're conceived, when they're born, when they're given to you, when they turn 1, 4, 14, or 24 pray for them. After the prayer it is time to teach them everything you can about life, living, and God and do it to the best of your ability, there are so many others out there that will teach them all the things that will lead them the other way. I am not talking about these two boys anymore, it is about me. I had begun to fail, not in what I had been doing but in what I had let this episode begin to do to me. I was willing and am still fighting this problem of wanting to give up, just because things didn't work exactly the way I planned.                      
     To all the fathers out there we can sometimes do everything as correct as we know and do the best we can at the very moment and still not have the results we had strove and hoped for. There are so many influences out there, so many opinions, and such a great difference of modern culture in the world today, that it is hard to know what to do and easy to second guess yourself. There are no promises in this situation, save one "seek the counsel of God's word and live in His presence, seek His guidance and He will show the answers, look for His comfort when things go wrong and He will console, seek forgiveness when mistakes are made and He will forgive. God is the only answer for the pain, remember that if you still feel the pain, then you're still alive. Oh, and add to this seek God and bask in His console and live life full.

What I Learned From A Ranch Horse,


Might Be All I Need In Life



As I find society today, we have created a people who are self centered. Most are looking for ways to make great sums of wealth, power or prestige, or maybe all three. It does not matter who they feed off of or who they take advantage of (most often the good hearted). They give tokens for what they use, and assume that it is theirs to use permanently for that small token. There is no real honesty or loyalty, just the appearance of such, once they have used or emptied the source it is discarded as if it is useless. Those people are treated as good ol boys as long as they fit within the scheme and the moment, when they are not they’re just that S. O. B. that exist within their presence.



So This is what I learned from ranch horses, I've had.



1. If I'm in charge. Something or someone has put me or let me be in control.

2. If I'm in control, I must be trusted.

3. What ever I ask, they'll give.

4. Trust and loyalty is everything.

5. Don't ask for more than I have authority over.

6. If I expect loyalty, I must give it.

7. If I expect trust, I must give it.

8. Never ask more of a horse (or a person) than they have permission, ability or authority to give.

9. Take care of what you have power over, they'll take care of you.

10. If you use too much power / they still have power to rebel.

11. When you swim the river, don't just flow with the current, it'll take you down, the same will happen in life.

12. If you curb a horse too much, he can't give you all he has.

13. If you curb a horse too often, you eventually kill his spirit.

14. If you misjudge his abilities or strength, you cripple him.

15. If you misuse your power you can cripple yourself.

16. If you humble yourself to the horses strength, he'll submit to your authority.

17. If you comfort your horse at the end of the day, he'll always forgive.

18. Always pay in full what your horse has been worth today, it'll pay dividends.

19. At the end of the day, no matter how hard the day, how bad the episode, or how difficult the trail, your horse will let you lay your head on his withers for comfort and he'll just stand there.

20. When it's come to the point that, that old horse is worn out, you don't just shoot him. You turn him out to pasture and care for him as you would an old friend, HE'S SPENT HIS TIME CARING FOR YOU.



© 2009 Merle Roehr





Visions



Standing here in hopes,

living there in dreams.

We sometimes live stagnate lives,

floating down emptying streams.



It’s time to do what we dream,

take hold of life and live.

Work towards the hope we have,

take hold of the things, He gives.



There’s hope for those who look,

a vision there, that lies ahead.

To give those there a life,

instead of living as if their dead.



© 2009 Merle Roehr



Longhorns



Glistening ivory reaching high.

Blackened points turned to sky.

Hooves like iron, tempered by dirt.

A fog of dust, ‘round them skirt.

They run and charge and travel hard.

The ground a shaking, scattering rocks and chard.

Pushed in a herd, from ‘round their flank.

The ol cowboy’s heart, within him sank.

The herd he’d gathered, had found a hole.

It’s all through life, they’ve tormented his soul.

They’ve beat his horse into the ground.

They’ve turned his skin a sun beaten brown.

The herd he’d managed were never his own.

On the open prairie, they were to roam.

The beast, on him, had taken toll.

They’ve spent their life to torment his soul.

Oh, he’d never had it another way.

A longhorn’s trail, was just enough pay.

Even the days, after he’s died.

After them on a horse he’ll ride.

© 2009 Merle Roehr




An old Cowboy’s Standards

dedicated to Rickie Bingham


There’s a set of standards, others seldom see.

We’ve seen all our life, they were set for you and me.

We’ll get through life with understanding, it’s rough and long and hard.

We know that to survive within it, we’ll have to play all our cards.

Now we’re the sons and daughters of those men, others oft pursue.

And those who find their selves in our world, to those standards, must be true.

There are those who find us crazy, by the standards that we live.

Most cannot understand, it’s also the standards by which we give.

We’ll work and strive by the standards, which within us, burns.

We expect those around us always, to live the same in return.

Now we’re the sons and daughters of those men, others oft pursue.

And those who find their selves in our world, to those standards, must be true.

It sometimes is a lonesome road, we find our selves going down.

But it’s a set of higher standards, we’ve found our selves to be bound.

Now if you wish to pursue that one, who by these standards live.

You must look within your self, is it the standards by which you’ll give?

Now we’re the sons and daughters of those men, others oft pursue.

And those who find their selves in our world, to those standards, must be true.

© 2009 Merle Roehr

The reason for child care and house parents

What’s a Life Worth?




This book is so important to me that I am willing to share my feelings and the children who have been in our care. There are no names, nor are there any instances that will expose them to others. They are the innocent ones here in these instances. The episodes here are truthfully represented, and the feelings I sometimes have, are blunt and honest. If you take on the work, you are bound to have some of the same feelings. My feelings are sometimes not the portrait of a Christian, BEING in the manner of Christ. They are, however, feelings of a man of Christ, who has let the human way of thinking creep in. I have tried to always let God help me push these feelings aside and deal with them in a Christian manner. I would not lead you to believe that it was easy or that it did not take time.



#1

She came to us that evening. We had been expecting her for three or four days. We thought we were prepared; we always try, yet we really never are. We did not know what the experience would be like; you never do. We did not know what the situation would be, nor what it had been. She stood in the door with a parent, silhouetted against the spring sky. She was there with long, stirred black hair; her dirty hands hung to her side with a bottle. There were tears streaming down her face, leaving clean streaks where they had trailed and fell on the one nasty blouse she had. She was less than three and had already experienced this before. I raised her face to speak to her, all I could see was that long lost look in those deep brown eyes. She was a beautiful child, but none of it had ever been let out. The best I could tell is that no one had ever cared. There were no formalities. Those had all been handled the week before. There were no warnings or preparations for what was to come next. Her mother hugged her, said goodbye, and left. She was fear struck, weeping uncontrollably. To her there was no consolation. She was abandoned.

We work first to help her adjust and trust and just be three years old. I never ask or demand that a child call me daddy or father. At that age however, kids want a daddy and a mother. I have become a daddy to that child and do what daddies do. I aggravate and tease and try to teach her that parents are for support, but she still has doubt. The next statement is completely off the wall. In the excitement of play, I tell her she’s, ugly, only in jest and fun and out of forgetfulness. I am the one taken in surprise, with one simple statement “I KNOW.” I was embarrassed, hurt, shattered, I had caused her pain. I spent the next moments in an apology and telling her how beautiful and wonderful she was. I never wanted her to forget it and I never wanted her to let anyone tell her differently. It might come as a surprise, but I continued to play that game with her. I would call her ugly, but now she knew it was a game and she knew the answer. She would always counter with a loud adamant “I NOT.” She has become beautiful and confident in herself. She has lived with us ten years. We have become parents to her. There is one note, I have never had one child who does not still want their real mother. It is the way God makes us. It is natural that a child has a birth bond. These are things we may not understand, but they are there. We all have that bond, and it is instinct. In a perfect world that’s as it should be.